The Nature of Betrayal
Originally entitled "How the hell are ya, Midtown Drugs? and the nightmare."
From a journal entry, January 25th, 2004.
Excerpted for impure purposes August 1st, 2005.
"I had a good dream finally. Finally. After that horrible serial killer dream. I talked to someone and they said I shouldn't watch so much scary movies. But I don't. I don't like them. Never really watch them. The dream was, I was watching a movie, some really good movie, but it was intercut with really horrendous and sickening practices of a Gein-like serial killer. In overalls, with a chainsaw too. doing the unmentionable with people and beasts. But the point is, the dream, as I see it, was not ABOUT fearing a horror movie. It was about betrayal. Because firstly, the great movie, intercut by the horrors kept making me want to watch and then kept changing and scaring the shit outa me. That's #1. Then there's what happened with the killer. I watched it, and his face was Nick Nolte's face. And I had this moment of thinking "Thank God! Nick, my friend, I know you, you're just an actor, like me, you wouldn't kill me, you're playing a part!" But then it changed, and it wasn't him anymore. And he lifted his chainsaw and screamed something in a voice that I've never heard before and will likely never recover from hearing. It was inhuman, The voice of madness. He screamed something along the lines of what Madman Mundt screamed in Barton Fink: "Look upon me! I'll show you the life of the mind!" And I shut my eyes and put my hands over my ears, but I could still SEE and HEAR him. The day after this dream, I couldn't look into any television anywhere, paranoid as I was. Thank God there's no TV in this apartment, otherwise I'd unconsciously throw it out the window. so this nightmare takes the #2 spot on my list of alltime worst nightmares. The first was a really sick one. I can't describe it here because it's way too sick to describe. I've only told it to one person and then they were in shock for an hour. So I will not recount it. except that it had to do with Henri Matisse. And also with television. I guess in a way it was also about betrayal. cause see, in the dream, Matisse had a studio and it was run by servants and then they rebelled. Mutinied. But I won't say what they did for reasons of conscience and respect towards others."